Episode 32: “The Fan”

The Twilight Zone meets Jem and the Holograms in this descent into insanity of an episode. Well, deeper into the well of mental derangment than usual, at least, because we all know there be psychoses a’plenty in the Jemisphere. And, yes, we are including ourselves.

Thanks to a “desperate” fan (their words, not ours) the Misfits get so much money they create a carbon-copy of Jem’s life, random orphans included, so they can trick her into uncovering her identity.

So we’ve basically been through this plot, like, three times, but this one features Mission Impossible-style face-pull-offs and an amphibian chain smoker playing the role of Shayna. Honesty, it’s the most interesting Shayna has ever been.

Plus, the debut of the iconic Holograms track “Nightmare”! And, as per usual, a bunch of nonsense spewed by your very own Jem Girls.

Episode 31: “The Bands Break Up”

Over here at Jem Girls we’re always trying to queer the space. Cyberspace, crawlspaces, spacebars, spacecrafts, you name the space (within our out of the Jemisphere) and we’re queer’ing it.

Thing is, this episode of Jem and the Holograms is so purely queer/lesbian we really didn’t have to do much. I mean, come on, just look at the lustful gaze Stormer is giving to her girl Kimber. That kind of look only leads to one thing: A good ol’ fashion clamjam.

Aside from being a lesbian love story for the ages, this episode also features an appearance by our favourite group of meth-heads, the Limp Lizards. Who, no joke, sing about living in a dumpster. Too real, yes, but also amazing.

Jerrica is in the mix being an overbearing and unsupportive sister, the Misfits sing like opera hooligans (is that a thing?) for some reason and Raya is probably around for no reason other than adding some ethnic flair, as per usual. But, honestly, who cares, this episode is all about the Stormer x Kimber (Storber? Kimmer?) lesbian fantasy we always knew we needed.

Episode 30: “One Jem Too Many”

Imagine a world, nay, a dark reality where there isn’t one, but two pink-haired glam rock front-women running around causing utter mayhem for all those they encounter. Well, that, our friends, is exactly the plot of “One Jem Too Many.”

Forgive us for being insensitive but isn’t one Jem already too many? Like, original Jem always tries to do the right thing and generally be a do-gooder but she also inconveniences every stranger she meets, not to mention the other girls in the band.

Having an evil version of Jem (again, the basic plot of this ep) makes things more digestible, quite honestly. Because a chronically altruistic (yet also selfish, somehow) Jem is really balanced out by a crazy AF, chaotic evil Jem. Gotta have balance, you know?

Also, just going to say it, this episode completely dropped the ball by not including a sick “Highlander” reference. We’d kill for a sick “There can be only one!” screamed by Jen followed by a medieval sword duel.

True to form, though, we don’t really talk too much about this episode of “Jem and the Holograms.” As always, we cover far more important topics. Like eyeballs. Catch it all in yet another zany misadventure with your Jem Girls!

Episode 29: “Scandal”

Escándalo en Venice Beach!

That would be the Spanish telenovelas title of this episode which, honestly, may be the superior form of Jem and the Holograms.

Think about it. The plots rarely make sense. There is necessary drama that would be solved simply be characters just talking to each other (looking at you Jem and Rio). And there is some pretty dope/gigantic hair.

Anyway, that aside… aside, “Scandal” is basically every overly dramatic young girl (and gay boy’s) worst nightmare: Someone steals your diary and shares all your most intimate secret. That’s an “overly dramatic young girl/gay boy’s” worst nightmare because, as we all know, only the biggest of divas keep a diary.

In the Jemisphere that’s our girl Kimber. Obviously the folks doing the stealing and secret-spreading be the Misfits, with a little help from “Cool Trash” magazine which is simultaneously the best and worst title of literally anything ever. Is the “trash” in question really hip? Is it “cold” in the sense of “dayum girl that was COLD!” Or is it just cold in temperature? Who knows but we need to know and one hundred percent pick that trash (however chilly it may be) up off the magazine rack. The fact that the editor-in-chief is a guy named “Pitt Slurman” is also fairly enticing.

Oh ya and British boy-toy/closet queer Sean Harrison is in the mix. Plus an appearance by the very underwhelming Harriet Horn. And a brief discussion on Black 90s sitcoms because of course!

Episode 28: “The Talent Search” (Part 2)

You know we’re hype girls for Jem and the Holograms (we have a fudging podcast about it) but, for real real and not for play play, this is a two-parter-conclusion like no other.

On the one side of the plot you got Raya, the soon-to-be forgotten Hologram (spoiler: she literally bears no significance after this episode), who swings into our hearts by calling Eric and the Misfits a “pack of jackals.” Okay, so it doesn’t have the same chutzpah when you read it, but trust us when we say it’s all in the delivery.

Then we got the secondary, far darker B-plot which is essentially an exploration into the fractured, hella violent mind of Craig Phillips. This guy is violent, unhinged and truly deranged (even for someone with two first names) and it’s kind of the best thing in the world.

We also get a weave pull, a hilariously underwhelming drum-off and final confirmation that Eric Raymond is into some kinky dom-sub stuff. Fun for the whole family!

Episode 27: “The Talent Search” (Part 1)

New year, new queers, new season of Jem and the Holograms!

Ok, yah, we’re a little late to the “Happy New Year” party but all good things are worth the wait. Same goes for passably-acceptable cartoons of the 1980s so here we are!

Not only do we have a new year of insane hi-jinx and unnecessary car chases to enjoy in the Jemisphere, we also have a brand new Hologram! And a new Misfit!

Yes, say hello to “Raya,” aka “The Forgotten Hologram,” because after this special two-parter she will have almost no bearing on the plot of the show. “Jetta,” the British (Asian?) addition to the Misfits is basically the same deal.

You don’t come here for the character development anyway so who cares. Maybe we do? No, just checked, we don’t either.

But what we do care about is hilarious and arguably (nah, definitely) problematic discussions about the best-worst cartoon of all time (Jem and the Holograms, duh) and even though we may be in the wilds of Season Two, you know we’re not changing a thing on that front.

Bonus Episode: "Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre"

Hello and welcome to 2021!

Okay, so we’ve been in the new year (otherwise known as “2020: Part 2: Everything is still awful”) for a little while now but, you know us, we’re late to everything.

In the spirit of trudging along the timeline to our collective doom we thought we’d go back AND forward in time to revisit the final addition of our favourite horror film franchise, the “Massacre” series.

See, it all started with 1982’s “The Slumber Party Massacre” (be sure to check out our ep on that almost-lesbian satire of the horror genre) and the franchise transmuted itself (with a little help from our friend Lucifer, no doubt. Shout out to Lu!) into its final, 2015 form, “Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre.”

Is this even its final form?

We sure hope so because this movie is TRASH. And that’s coming from a podcast dedicated to covering every episode of Jem and the Holograms.

We’d tell you what the movie is about but the title says it all. There are sharks. There are female prisoners. And it’s set in Arkansas. Sorry, “Sharkansas,” the new-and-much-better name for the fly-over state by the end of the movie.

After a taste of this you’ll be begging us to get back on the JemTrail!

Bonus (Holiday) Episode: "Christmas Comes to Pac Land"

Celebrating the holidays simply wouldn’t be complete without watching at least one Christmas TV special and, because we’re masochists over here at Jem Girls, we’re ringing in the Holiday season with one of the worst to ever come out of the 80s.

Get your chomping bits ready and start snorting some power pellets (you’re definitely going to need some substance to abuse to get through this) for the cartoon spectacular where capitalism and cannibalism combine, the classic “Christmas Comes to Pac Land.”

If you think Jem and the Holograms is nonsensical then just wait ’til you get a load (we’re always taking loads here at Jem Girls!) of what the Pac family and friends have in store for you. For real, watching and discussing terrible cartoons is literally what we do and even we were a little floored by the buffoonery that is the Pac-Man cartoon.

Why does Pac Man even have a cartoon, you ask? Honestly, it’s best you don’t even try to think about it. Kind of like time travel paradoxes or the infinitude of the universe. The Pac-Man cartoon is simply beyond reckoning. With that in mind, watching this Christmas special may actually break (or “chomp,” rather) your brain so enjoy!

And happy holidays from your Jem Girls!

Bonus Episode: "Slumber Party Massacre"

We may be done with season one but there’s no rest for the wicked! Or, more specifically, no rest for the “super queer and very problematic,” aka your very own Jem Girls, because, while we are taking a sorely needed break from all-things Jem and the Holograms (our brains may implode at any moment, for real) we are still bringing y’all some hot content during our self-imposed “hiatus.”

First up on our in-between-seasons-break is a bit of a venture away from what we’re used to. Yes, we’re veering off from our “80s cartoon hate-watch” mantra and delving into live-action cinema. Fortunately, the level of sophistication will remain incredibly low, for lo and behold “Slumber Party Massacre,” an oddly hilarious entry into 80s “B” horror movies. Hell, we’d even give it a “C.”

“Slumber Party Massacre” basically tells you the movie’s entire plot in the title. Save for one important fact: The serial killer uses a big ol’ drill to kill almost all of the unsuspecting, nubile teens.

He’s the “driller killer,” if you will. And we all know what a drill is a symbol of… yes, we are talking about male genitalia. For real! This movie has a LOT of lesbian subtext and this isn’t even us reading way too much into things.

So is “Slumber Party Massacre” a queer lambasting of the slasher movie genre? Or is it a Hollywood horror cash-grab really only showing scantily-clad young women getting murdered? Perhaps it’s one of those rare lesbian exploitation horror films?

Honestly, all of the above are kind of correct, because as ridiculous as this movie is, it does defy genre classification. For better or worse. But we’ll let you decide!

Episode 25: "Culture Clash"

So, uh… this is a bit awkward. We totally forgot about this episode of Jem and the Holograms before we posted the season finale. Turns out we can’t count and are kind of dumb.

But you already knew that!

Anyway, removing the linear passage of time from the equation (because, really, what even is “time”? SUCH a social construct and SO over it) here’s “Culture Clash,” a wonderful blend of performance art, crime and robots.

Except they call the sentient robots in this episode “sculptures” for… reasons. The robo-sculptures are super competent (especially compared to the police) and should really get their due. If anything you can read this episode as a prequel to some sort of dystopian robot-controlled post-apocolyptic hellscape.

Wait, you ask, aren’t we already living that timeline? Yes! So why not escape a second with an hour-long exploration of modern madness? If that’s not the best pitch for a podcast, we don’t know what is.

Episode 26 “Glitter and Gold”

Wowza! Season one is one-and-done! Apparently that’s a basketball saying (go sports team!) but we’re folding it into the queer-sarcastic-problematic-nonsensical niche we’ve dug for ourselves over the course of a whole season of Jem and the H0lograms.

We’d like to say we have something special in store for the season closer, like a live episode or something (an attendance of zero to our living taping would crush what little self-esteem we have left so it’s a “no” on that one), but fortunately Jem and company come through with a brand new glittery look for the final episode of the season.

Because what would a season finale be without our heroes getting new outfits and a power-upgrade to defeat the big bad?

For real, though, that’s actually what happens. Just substitute “power-upgrade” with an off-yellow neck shawl (that’s secretly a python) and that’s the basic plot: Jem and the Holograms wear a bunch of glitter and gold to win the day… or something.

Fortunately, while are cartoon idols are mercurial AF, the Jem Girls always remain a constant in this universe. We may be at the end of the season but we haven’t changed a bit (yay?) so you can rely on us to bring you yet another dosage of useless-but-amusing nonsense.

P.S. We love how methy the couple above looks so they win the cover photo prize. Also what is that shirt even trying to spell??

P.P.S. Episodes may be a little sporadic as we take a bit of a break between seasons but we do have some special (as in not what we normally do, not like when a mom calls their son “special” but what they really mean is socially stunted) stuff planned!

Episode 24: “The Jem Jam” (Part Two)

Because there was simply too much Jem to jam into last week’s episode (get it???) we are here to bring you the thrilling, second instalment of the little Michael Jackson learning to swim documentary/Ba Nee has mad daddy issues, the series/“he twenty-fourth episode of Jem and the Holograms, “The Jem Jam,” part two.

Outside of resolving all of the dangling plot threads from last week’s episode (save for Rio’s seduction of Johnny Deacon) this episode is also noteworthy as it holds the record for the most frequent use of the word “gimmick” in a twenty-two minute piece of media.

We thought we knew what a gimmick was before watching this episode but boy howdy were we ever wrong. See, gimmick is a state of mind. It’s also a synonym for “invention” while also being the solely appropriate term to describe a flying music stage.

If you don’t follow that’s because you’re not of the gimmick-initiated. You’re probably not even a gimmick-neophyte. You’ll get there, simply listen to our latest commentary on the long-running animated Jem documentary (that’s what this is, right?) and all will be revealed!

Episode 23: "The Jem Jam" (Part 1)

How does one “jam” a “Jem”? What is the true “Jem Jam”?

Both questions, inextricably intertwined, have plagued philosophers for, quite literally, millennia. Even humanity’s most modern and sophisticated of computers simply shut down when trying to interface with even one element of the idea.

And yet, while the annals of history are marked by those brave (crazed?) enough to attempt to answer the query, does a true answer even exist?

Wasn’t the “Jem Jam” the friends we made along the way? Nay, the real “Jem Jam” was inside us all along.

Except it isn’t and no one in the real world really cares who or what a “Jem Jam” is aside from it maybe being the title to Jem and the Hologram’s twenty-third episode. But in the Jemisphere, where the universe revolves around the misadventures of a girl glam rock band, the “Jem Jam” is the event of the god-forsaken century.

(Note lower case “g” in “god” because we neo-Pagan like that. Equal representation for all celestial deities please! No special treatment. Time to get outta the way, Yaweh.)

For real, celebrities on celebrities come out of the woodwork for the Jem Jam. Even “mister lips and hips” himself (an actual quote from the episode) and a bunch of deranged soccer hooligans! We even get a celebrity cameo from the seventh ring of hell’s most high-profile demonic entity, the quadrupedal dragon snakes of everlasting torment! Truly, fun the for the whole family!

Episode 22: “Intrigue at the Indy 500”

You know what’s great about professional race car driving? Literally anyone can do it. Even rock stars with no experience outside of bi-weekly car chases with nondescript goons.

Years of practice? Lightning-fast reflexes? General mechanical know-how? Not necessary, at least that’s what this episode of Jem and the Holograms taught us, because if there’s any “intrigue” at the Indy 500 it certainly won’t be found in the complexity of the sport.

(While we are obviously trolling the show for having Jem and Pizazz beat out scores of professional drivers in a high-profile race and the former building a race car basically from scratch we also have to point out how car racing is just going around and around in a circle… so, you know, not that complex)

Fortunately there’s plenty of random hijinx to enjoy thanks to our boy Eric, the Misfits and even the Holograms. And by “hijinx” we mean organized crime and illegal gambling, of course, because those are synonyms in the Jemisphere.

So strap on your seatbelt, Jembryos, since it’s going to be a bumpy-as-hell ride into degenerate babbling about things of no import. In other words: a classic Jem Girls episode!

Episode 21: “Old Meets New"

Old people, what are they good for?

Absolutely nothing! Say it again!

That would have been the main mantra of this episode of Jem and the Holograms except SOMEONE had to learn a lesson (looking at you, Kimber) about the value of respecting our elders.

Basically, some old rocker guy is going to lose his apartment, itself a monument to music history, so Jem and crew decide to help him, but not without an ageist-feud-dynamic between him and Kimber.

You know, the classic “old person thinks young people suck” thing and vice versa, which goes on until everyone learns a lesson.

Now, we would be way more into that message if it wasn’t intertwined with a very white-washed history lesson on the history of rock & roll music.

Like, for real, Jem? You’re going to link the origins of the genre solely to some Beach Boys ripoff? Not surprised but still shaking our collective heads.

Obviously we call the punks out while also discussing the very important cultural touchstone of what “Sandy Fries” means to the average global citizen. Okay, not really that last part because we ain’t those girls (obviously “Sandy Fries” sounds like a snack you get at the beach) and instead we just talk a bunch of shit. As per usual!

Episode 20: “Island of Deception”

Okay, so, like, we know that we queer read everything. No secret there, it’s just what we do. But right up here, in this “Island of Deception,” there is no need to queer any read because this episode of Jem and the Holograms is all about over-textual sexual girl-on-girl action.

You got a bunch of still-figuring-out-their-identity young women trapped on a deserted island. You got hordes of hogs. You got two ladies wrastlin’ a giant fish. The list goes on. Well, it actually kind of ends there but that’s still an impressive list!

Or, if you want to be super heterosexual about it, you can read this episode as “Gilligan’s Island” meets “Jem and the Holograms.” To be honest “Gilligan’s Island” is pretty gay anyway so there’s really no way to butch up this episode. And we wouldn’t have it any other way!

Episode 19: “The Princess and the Singer”

Welcome to beautiful Morvania! Home of glaringly evil cousins, princess doppelgangers and, uh, dragons, apparently. Sorry, that’s should be “bomb-laden dragon statues,” as the Morvania travel brochure points out.

So what brings Jem and the Holograms to an obviously made up European nation? Ridiculous hijinx, of course!

This time around we got a riff on the classic “The Prince and The Pauper” story, save any literary quality or plot substance. Basically, some princess is Kimber’s identical twin and the two get swapped. There’s also a coup for the princess’s throne. You can fill in the gaps from there.

The real hero of the story is Lexa, who is straight up willing to blow a trick up to gain power. That’s commitment right there. You get yours, girl.

Runner-up to the episode’s “hero” status is inane banter, as per usual!

Episode 18: "Hot Time in Hawaii"

What do all-girl glam rock groups, Hawaii, and Olympic-style sports competitions have in common?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

And, yet, by Satan’s grace (our boy JC definitely didn’t sign off on this one) Jem and the Holograms have combined them all into one steaming pile of nonsense called “Hot Time in Hawaii.”

More like “hot mess in Hawaii,” right? That girl in the back is nodding her head. She gets it.

But back to the episode at hand. Jem and the crew go to Hawaii to compete in some sort of sports competition for musicians (sure, sure, that’s a thing) and the Misfits join in for… reasons. As per usual, the plot is hella thin, more so than usual.

But there are couple saving graces. We see the Misfits ride a surfboard on lava and try to murder Kimber in a volcano. And, of course, our witty commentary!

Episode 17: "In Search of the Stolen Album"

When you hear the name “chubbet,” what kind of reaction does it illicit?

Curiosity, because what the hell is a “chubbet”? Anger at such an awful sound? Unbridled disgust?

All are correct because “chubbet” (a vending machine at the best-worst club in the Jemisphere) is so many things all at once while simultaneously being simply awful!

Jem and the Holograms encounter the for-some-reason-named vending machine while searching for their stolen album, hence the name of this episode. Basically, this whole episode is a super unnecessary scavenger hunt but it does bring us magical moments.

Want to see Kimber hit on a couple of gay dudes? Care to hear a curiously-accented surfer dude who may or may not be a subtly racist caricature? Need some ‘roided up and angry club kids in your life?

Then join us on this journey because this episode has it all! And, maybe along the way, we’ll all learn that the stolen album was in our hearts the whole time.

Except it wasn’t. The Misfits stole it. There’s literally no larger lesson here.

Episode 16: "Broadway Magic"

We’re off to New York City, baby!

The Big Apple gets an extra dose of ridiculousness when Jem rolls through with her Hologram posse with Eric and the Misfts in tow, of course. Despite the episode’s title, unfortunately, there isn’t any actual magic in this week’s instalment of “G.I. Joe meets Barbie” (basically “Jem” in a nutshell). Which is a bummer because we all want Pizazz to go full witch. But, hey, we can wait.

Aside from an absence of the dark arts there are other elements to enjoy in this episode. You know, stuff like gratuitous “we’re in New York!” scenes, some hang gliding, Eric hatching some sort of scheme. There may or may not be a “wolf man,” but you’ll have to listen to find out!

Featuring an extra special guest host and true Jembryo, our friend (but not yours) Maria!