Episode 49: “Renaissance Woman”

Unlike the rest of the world, which has been moving along the (darkest?) timeline at a pace generally approved by the Lord (of Eyeball)’s judging gaze (and judgy gays), Great Britain is stuck in some sort of 1600s temporal warp.

At least it is in the Jemisphere. That’s according to the animated mini documentary “Renaissance Woman,” in which Jem and the Holograms get sucked in to a Britain-based time flux that plays out like a combination of Robin Hood and The Man in the Iron Mask.

Not a bad concept but, unfortunately, we also get a heavy dose of Danse. And, as we all know, that not-so-silent-but-hella-evil “s” denotes that we are not talking about the art form that is “dance” bur rather the mop-topped drama queen who has appropriated the term. You know, the one in the picture above doing the most depressing splits ever recorded on screen. Yah, that Danse.

There’s really not much to say about Danse (or, rather, we don’t want to say anything about her. Speak her name too many times aloud and her multicoloured hair will strangle you in your sleep) or the ridiculousness of this episode. We do learn that Jem would be a low-level sword-wielder in a bad RPG, so that’s fun.

Also fun? Our hilarious banter which you know this episode, as always, is chock full of.

(*Hears grumbling, factual response from beyond the fourth wall*)

Wait, Jem isn’t an animated episodic documentary??

Bonus Episode: "Dungeons and Dragons"

Ahh, Dungeons and Dragons: the game that unites nerds from far and wide to come together, drape themselves in cloaks, gather their weapons and spell books, and assume the identities of people way cooler than they are. ‘Tis a game I know nothing about (obviously this is Hakuna Mattitites speaking here), and that likely will never change. 

This week we are ripping into the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon that first aired in 1983. The episode we watched is the fifth episode of season two entitled “Day of the Dungeon Master.” If you are thinking that the episode is about a day in the life of a leather daddy in a gimp suit and his sex slaves in their dingy underground sex dungeon, you are sadly mistaken. The show itself is actually about a magical, tiny gargoyle of a man (Dungeon Master) who is a guide and mentor to a group of children who are trying to find their way home in some alternate plane of reality. In this episode, one of the children, Eric, decides to give DM ALL of his sass and basically questions his knowledge and powers. Dungeon Master, who is a billion years old and probably has never gone on vacation, is like yeah, okay, take my powers you little bitch and see what you manage with them. 

In a very predictable turn of events, Eric is not a good Dungeon Master but it’s all about the friends he met along the way or something. Either way, this show is a lot better than Jem, so if you feel compelled to watch a show from thirty years ago that was made for children for whatever reason, we recommend!

Episode 48: "The Middle of Nowhere"

So, imagine a cabal of greedy white people setting off to Indigenous territories that they know nothing about in order to unearth rich stores of profitable natural resources and make BILLIONS in the process? Yeah, you don’t really need to imagine that because it happens all the time, and it happens in this week’s (uncharacteristically relevant) episode of Jem and the Holograms.

No-eyeball-having Ba Nee apparently has enough eyesight to have a pen pal in Alaska named Utu, who tells Ba Nee that her brother wants to sell the particular swath of the Alaskan tundra her family owns to money grubbing capitalists from the Mainland. Ba Nee learns that those greedy bastards (who—to no one’s surprise--are later revealed to be Eric Raymond, Pizzazz, and Mr. Gabor) want to dig for oil, which will cause all the seals to die.

In a rare act of lenience and humanity, Jem temporarily relieves Ba Nee from her child-labouring duties in Cali so that the orphan gal and the Holograms can head to Alaska to live out Jem’s white saviour fantasy. Oh, and the band also has a tour in the region (???) but we never actually see that go down.

In some ways, this episode could be perceived as “woke,” but in true Jemly fashion, the portrayal of Indigenous people is fairly problematic. In particular, the way that Utu’s brother is painted as some sort of race traitor for the fact that he wants to sell their ancestral land so that his family can have some sort of social mobility, is kind of fucked up. All these white rich girls from California roll through and try to tell him that there’s more to life than money, all the while knowing nothing of this person’s life. Obvi we Jem Girls are generally not pro-pipeline (official stance?) but this issue does have SOME nuance.

LOL Jem and the Holograms and nuance? Girl, where?

Episode 47: Mardi Gras

Mardis Gras is known throughout the world for being a time where messy drunk bitches congregate on the streets of New Orleans to commit all their debauchery before having to give it up for lent. Where do Jem and the Holograms, the squarest of the squares, fit into all of this? Literally nowhere.

That doesn’t stop the writers from taking us to the Mardi Gras, where Jem and co have been invited to perform wearing some jewels cause Shana vaguely looks like the woman they once belonged to. This woman, Lily Larose, was a black Bourbon Street singer in the 19th century (and OG members of the Black Lady Clone Crew) who had a torrid love affair with a SLAVER named Jean Lafitte. Yes, because a romance between a black woman and a slave trader at the height of slavery in America is the exact kind of love story we should be celebrating.

That aside, the highlight of the episode was a squad of goons called the “Zomboys” who are led by a dude named “Neko.” Apart from being a proud necrophiliac, he also has a hot (and CONSENSUAL) sub-dom thing going on with Pizzazz. We were necro-feeling it (I’m sorry).

Consent (or lack there us) seems to be one of the themes of “Mardi Gras”, what with Shana struggling to fight off the aggressive advances of some pirate (??) dude half the time. We also get a questionable spectral make out sesh between the ghosts of Lily and Jean, who again, was a slave trader!

Hopefully Shana and Lily didn’t forget to stuff their bras with gris-gris bags to bring black magic upon their aggressors…

Bonus Episode: “The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”

So, you already know that your Jem Girls are super queer/raging homosexuals/gay-for-pay (except no one is paying us, we lay on this level of gay for FREE) and we bring up drag-related content at every opportunity.

You also know that we, when taking a break on the Jem and the Holograms trail (or, Jemtrail, if you will), like to hate-watch truly awful B-movies from the 1980s. Looking at you, Chopping Mall.

But, sometimes, we like to watch movies that are actually good and have something more to offer audiences than horny teenagers getting murdered by power drills or killer robots.

With all that in mind and in honour of Pride month (sort of) we decided to watch, discuss and poke fun at the iconic 90s Australian queer film “The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.”

Basically about three drag performers taking a road trip through the Australian outback, this movie has big hair, amazing outfits and questionable performances. Oh, and rather problematic racial stereotypes. Everything folks who regularly watch Jem are used to seeing.

Unlike, Jem, however, this is actually a quality piece of queer media so, while we do rip into it a bit (old habits die hard) there are also important things to say about the movie. Can your Jem Girls have an engaging, intellectual discussion? Or will we just spiral into nonsense puns and vulgarities?

A bit of both!

Episode 45: Rock 'n Roll Express

We’re back on the Jem-train people, both literally and figuratively, because, as you can probably guess from the title of this episode, we’re jumping on the midnight train to Trainsville, USA.

Except we’re not literally jumping on any trains and Trainsville, USA (population: trains) doesn’t exist so it’s all figurative. But, whatever. Trains, people, get with it and get on board.

Truthfully, we would recommend getting on the train AFTER the “Rock ’n Roll Express,” unless you want to be subjected to orphan labour, date-raping criminals and culturally appropriative outfits. Yes, all this is on (train) track for you if you climb aboard this Jem and the Holograms locomotive. Sorry, Jamie Lee, but there’s a new “Terror Train” in town.

So why even choo-choo-choose this episode of Jem Girls? Because all that hilarious, nonsensical and pretty problematic hijinx is whast we live for. And live off of, both Hakuna and Orifice being poorly-plotted-cartoon-vampires, if you didn’t know already. But a meal for us is entertainment for you!

We think?

Episode 44: Chopping Mall (The Movie Formerly Known as "Killbots")

If you’ve ever been to a shopping mall, you know those bitches be terrifying. For one, malls are teeming with sinister cabals of cane-brandishing and cloak-wearing elders who cast their judgmental gaze at all the rest of us who are actually there to buy shit and not just there to take advantage of the free seating and climate controlled environment. For two, around every corner one might have the misfortune of witnessing a teenaged girl giving a dry hand job to her greasy, pimple-faced boyfriend, or perhaps even a hoard of teens shoving tide pods and flaming hot cheetos down their gullets while their mouth breathing miscreant friend records them for social media clout. But scarier than all of that, are the roving packs of robot security guards who will blow your head off with lasers if you dare cross them. 

Oh, you’ve never heard of killer robot mall cops? Well, that is the entire premise of the movie “Chopping Mall,” the 1986 horror B-movie where literally ZERO bitches die by getting chopped. It was written by some trick named Jim Wynorski and starred a cast of complete nobodies. This is the movie we are talking about this week on Jem Girls, and boy did it get us all hot and bot-ered (it legit didn’t, I just wanted to use that pun). 

So, check it. There are some teen guys and gals (and one married couple who are like 36) who really want to have a sex party at one of their dad’s furniture stores (plenty of surfaces for fucking. Don’t worry, they’ll be cleaning the sheets, as one character Cocaine Chris—not his real name—reassures us). Unbeknownst to them, the mall just enlisted a fleet of robot night watchmen to guard the mall against crime after hours. A whole mess of shit happens, but the basic gist is this: the “killbots” shoot a bunch of fat lasers (with very poor aim, I might add), cause explosions, and kill a bunch of teens. The two who survive are virgin dweebs, so there’s a lesson in there about something, perhaps, maybe, probably not. 

If we learned anything from this movie, it is that even though robot security guards move at a snail’s pace and have the shooting accuracy of a blind toddler with hams for fists, they will get ya so beware.

Episode 43: “The Presidential Dilemma”

Well, slap my cheeks and call me a lawn chair, we’re celebrating ‘merica!

Not actually, because the folks “down south,” as we call them here in the frigid arctic tundra devoid of life and culture that is Canada*, are pretty problematic. Sorry not sorry but any country that needs to keep its pants on with a “bible belt” doesn’t have their priorities straight.

But, of course, as North Dakota natives, Jem and the Holograms love their American culture and history. Especially the parts that gloss over racial injustices and socio-economic inequalities and stick to appropriated symbols/moments in history that (apparently) showcase American excellence. Why bother focus on all that icky stuff when you’re in a position of power in society, right??

Ok, rant over. In this episode, Jem and the Holograms go to Washington then proceed to get caught up in some presidential-level drama. There are also a lot of fireworks and bald eagles because, as we know, that’s what the U.S.A. basically is, a melting pot of pyrotechnics and surprisingly stupid avians.

So what’s the “dilemma,” you ask? The fact that you’re not listening to the Jem Girls right now!

*An American perception of Canada, of course

Episode 42: “Trick or Techrat”

Oh, the end of May, the perfect time… to get spooky! Ok, not really, because we all know it’s only fun to be scared (reference!) in October. We have to justify a Halloween episode in the middle of spring somehow, though, so please just bear with us. You probably have some practice with that if you’re reading this at all.

Unfortunately, while this episode of Jem and the Holograms has some truly spook-tacular fashion, we never really get an answer to the question: Trick or Techrat?

Is is a choice, as in, do I need to choose between a “trick” or a Techrat? Perhaps the title is merely pointing to the exchangeable nature of the two, since a Techrat is merely a trick. And are we talking about a “trick” you pick up off the street corner or something of the magic variety?

Truly, a mine of philosophical discussions are to be had, but that’s a different podcast entirely. We hear at Jem Girls are content to talk nonsense and point out how animated orphans are generally the worst. And, as you can imagine, we stay true to form this week!

Episode 41: “KJEM”

Don’t turn that dial, because you’re listening to KJIZ FM, the hottest station on the airwaves bringing you Jem Girls realness every 69 minutes.

Alright, so maybe you would turn that dial if you heard that hot nonsense on the radio. We really wouldn’t blame you.

At least our fictional radio station is edgier (semen is right there in the name, come on) than Jem and the Hologram’s who, you guessed it, decide to save a failing radio station because “it’s the right thing to do.”

We’d leave it at that and say that’s the plot of this episode (which it is) but we’re also fairly certain that “KJEM” is actually happening within a university/college life movie. Evidence includes: An evil corporate-type fixated on destroying a small community business, a group of scrappy co-ed underdogs banding together to take on the villain, and a “joker” character wearing shades who is definitely a 40-year-old posing as a college student.

Not that any of that really matters! As per usual, come for the ridiculous statements and stay for the stream-of-consciousness rambling!

Bonus Episode: "ThunderCats"

ThunderCats, hooooo!

Hey, who you calling a hoe?

Just kidding, we’re all sexual deviants here, especially the humanoid cat-creature bondage leather daddies that populate Thundera. Or, technically, “Third Earth.” Way better than Second Earth, by the way. Don’t even get us started on First Earth.

Anyway, as we often do, we’re veering off the Jemtrail this week to unpack a cartoon that undoubtedly birthed a generation of furries and BDSM enthusiasts: ThunderCats.

We’re fairly certain this series is a prequel to 2019’s much-maligned GFX gong-show Cats (yes, the movie, not the play) set before all of the felines went full jellicle. We wish they kept all of the straps and belly-bearing unitards but, hey, can’t have it all.

Ignoring anything like “narrative context” or “plot,” not exactly a strong suit for ThunderCats, we’re diving head-first into an episode of the series that is heavy on the Snarf. And if you know anything about ThunderCats, then you know Snarf is categorically the worst and is the concept of “annoying” made flesh. So it’s gonna be a good time!

Is it “Tower of Omens” or “Sword of Moments”? What’s the connection between cats and bats? Are Snarfs the only species that deserve to be enslaved? All of these questions (not really) answered and more in the Jem Girls first foray into ThunderCats!

Episode 40: “Alone Again”

Wow, here we are, the rising of the eyeball sun. May it’s stellar gaze never set.

Ocular solar objects aside, this is a momentous occasion for us here at Jem Girls because we are officially discussing our FAVOURITE episode of Jem and the Holograms, “Alone Again.”

Taking joy out of a young girl’s descent into abusing meethamphetamines and hallucinogenics may sound a little, well, disturbing (and it is!) but, truly, this episode is a low-key masterpiece.

A big part of that is the presence of the only competent and truly evil villain we’ve ever seen in the Jemisphere, Bobby Brown, who makes it his mission in life to destroy the lives of adolescent women. He’s probably some sort of hell-spawn feeding off of drug-induced-despair, but that only makes Bobby B all the more interesting.

And did we mention there’s a freaking eyeball sun? Perhaps the purest form of the Lord of Eyeballs us mortals will ever witness, so that really seals the deal for us Jem Girls.

Better yet, it’s our one year Jemmiversary episode, so happy 365 days of nonsense to us!

Episode 39: “Roxy Rumbles”

Ladies and gentlemen, the library is open!

For real, the libraries are open. Go crack open a book instead of reading this nonsense.

You know who can’t do the same? Our girl, the fashionista from Philly, Roxy. Because she’s straight up illiterate.

The worst part is… it’s kind of funny.

We’re all about literacy over here at Jem Girls (not to the nauseating amount that Jem and the Holograms bring it to, mind you. A “Literacy Tour”? Come on!) but the fact that a professional rock musician can’t reach a lick of english is a little funny. Ridiculous may be the better word, but, still, laughs are to be had.

We blame the Philadelphia public school system. Roxy probably blames all those nerds for making reading look bad. Either way, you don’t need literacy to listen to a podcast!

(Thank god, too, because while we love to read b*tches the jury is still out if either of the Jem Girls are actually able to read or write. Wait… then who’s writing this? A mystery for the ages!)

Episode 38: “Danse Time”

What time is it? Dance time!

Oh, wait, sorry, that’s supposed to be “dance” with an “s.” You know, like the name?

Except you don’t because that’s some real nonsense. “Dance” ain’t no name, no matter how it’s spelled.

Fitting, though, since “Danse” the character makes little-to-no-sense whatsoever and is also a gargantuan whiner. And a half. She’s a whiner-and-a-half. Let that sink in.

Oh, and she’s super extra. To the point that she conflates spraining an ankle to being blind. Now let that sink in.

As you can tell, we care very little for the multicoloured mop-top mess of a Jem and the Hologram C-list character this episode focuses on. Which, honestly, is a good thing, because if anything gets the Jem Girls going it’s pure, unadulterated hate.

Listen in and let the pile on begin!

Episode 37: “The Jazz Player”

A harsh (but nevertheless true) reality of this world is society’s division into two distinct groups. From birth to death, this immutable identity is constantly reinforced by external perceptions, just as much as it is an innate quality of a human being. Simply put, you either are, or are not, a “Scatman” (ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop).

We’re a couple of scatmen, of course. Technically “scat cats” (not jellicle cats!) but that’s kind of splitting hairs. You know who isn’t a scatman?

Ms. Jerrica Benton/Jem.

There’s plenty of other elements to pull out of this jazz-centric episodes of Jem and the Holograms but, truly, the main takeaway is Jem’s grating, nails-on-chalk-board scatting. Girl can’t scat and that is that.

On the upside, we got some killer videos (singing hearts! dancing ivories! light-induced seizures!) and a serviceable plot connecting them all. And, really, can we ask for any more?

Episode 36: “Music is Magic”

In the world of mysticism there is “magic” and there are “illusions.” You know, the real deal of bending demonic forces to your whim versus smoke and mirrors stuff. What Orifice Jones does compared to Hakuna Matitties magical stylings, to put it another way.

But in the Jemisphere, those lines be super blurred, because every magician out there can break the laws of physics and shoot magical beams of energy out their holes. Oh, and they all live on some communal floating-island-orgy-space called “Magic Island,” a truly original moniker.

This discussion of the metaphysics of magic is actually relevant; “Music is Magic” is all about the Holograms (and Misfits) taking part in a magic show when things start to go awry. Magically awry, that is.

Don’t let the basic plot fool you: This episode of Jem is unlike most (if not all?) of the others. It’s actually pretty good. Never thought we’d say this about an episode of Jem and the Holograms but our boy Da’Knee the G (Paul Dini if you’re feeling nasty) really did the scripting thing on this one.

So bust out your wands! Adjust your wide-brimmed witch hats! Roll up those floppy wizard’s sleeves! And ride that broomstick right into a magical realm filled with entertaining conversation and smooth audio sounds that can only be accessed by listening to the latest episode of the Jem Girls Podcast.

Episode 35: “Aztec Enchantment”

Welcome to Mexico! Where eagles pick up serpents on the regular and the only kind of enchantments being served are of the Aztec variety!

At least that’s the guided tour of Mexico you get on Jem and the Holograms Not-So-Luxurious Luxury Travel, where you may also get into unnecessary car chases and interact with orphans, for better or worse.

Obviously, in an episode featuring Mexican culture, the one Mexican hologram would play a pretty big role. And Raya does, making her relevant for all of three episodes of this entire series.

Of course, you can’t have a Jemisode in a foreign nation without some awkward (by which we mean “problematic”) handling of history and cultural stereotypes. We do get that here, just not on the levels of “Adventures in China” or any other Bornstein bungles, so… yay?

Shout out to all the gorilla demons, too! Which won’t make sense ’til you listen to the ep!

Bonus Episode: "The Little Clowns of Happy Town"

Send in the clowns!

Except, maybe don’t, because clowns are terrifying and at least 1/4 demon.

But that’s just the way we like it here at Jem Girls, and this week we are diving deep into the fourth circle of hell (the clown circle) to bring you an episode dedicated to “The Little Clowns of Happy Town.”

Among the many awful animated works to come out of the 80s, this particular cartoon is notable for forgoing the usual cartoon model of “entertaining children.” Instead, “The Little Clowns of Happy Town” goes full horror, inspiring terror in all viewers, regardless of age, because, as we all know, clowns are terrifying. It’s also nonsensical and deals with the possibility of clowns being their own sub-species of humanity, so that’s some fear-filling-fun, too.

Will this show keep you up at night with dancing images of grinning, homicidal clowns popping into your brain every time you close your eyes? Almost definitely. Does it make for a hilarious (if no disconcerting) discussion? Eh, kinda.

Either way, let us bear the brunt of this weaponized form of clown propaganda (brought to you by Q5 Corporation!) so you can enjoy our always amusing musings.

No clanimals were harmed in the making of this episode.

Episode 34: “The Treasure Hunt”

What do street urchins, historical literary figures and the joy of imposing your wealth and will upon the financially impoverished have in common? No, this isn't a sassy synopsis of "Oliver Twist" (though that pretty much sums up a lot of the book) we're talking about "Treasure Hunt," another meh-shoulder-shrug addition to Jem and the Holograms's second season.

Now, this isn't a BAD episode, per se. We do get a rich daddy-type who never takes of his lounge robe, which we're always here for. We just don't get a lot of zany hijinx or problematic interpersonal relationship dynamics, the bread and butter of the Jemisphere.

You can probably find the source of the problem (as with most things) in the orphans. While we do get to see a new pack of parent-less youthful vagabonds and Ba Nee faking she knows how to read (we see you fronting, BN, we know you got no eyeballs) there is WAY too much of a focus on the foundlings.

Normally, we're here for an orphan moment. Orphans trying to make it on the streets? Orphans doing back-breaking labour? Orphans forced into stealing? Here for it. But this is all about the waifs doing a boring treasure hunt (Hey! That's the title of the episode!) and we're decidedly less here for it.

But, as with all episode of Jem Girls, we barely stick to the plot and make up a bunch stuff as we go along. So, maybe the true treasure hunt was in our hearts the entire time?

Episode 33: "Father's Day"

Happy Father’s Day, everyone!

Okay, we’re a LITTLE late to the party (or early, because, really, what is time?) but so was this episode of Jem and the Holograms. Besides, we don’t really recognize “Father’s Day,” we’re all about “Daddy’s Day.” Same thing, except way more sexually charged.

Apparently everyone in the Jemisphere thinks Father’s/Daddy’s Day is a real holiday, because they be having banquets with celebrities to mark the occasion. But, truly, if you got a good Daddy, you got to show appreciation.

We’re also treated to a bit of insight into Pizazz’s deep psychoses/daddy-mama-drama, which is always fun.

What’s more fun is our special guest for this episode! Is it a celebrity? Do they self-identify as a lizard person? Might they be a daddy themselves? Nope to all but they’re still a blast to have on the show!