He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special

Merry non-denominational winter-time celebration!

Hah, just kidding, we’re not secular like that over here in at the Jem Girls podcast because we know this time of year is really all about one holiday, the most important of them all in the Christian calendar: Gurenenthar’s Ascendance!

Oh, sorry, did we say “Christian” calendar? We meant pagan demon worshippers, which, in far too many ways, are basically the same thing.

Anyway, that very specific Buffy the Vampire Slay reference aside, we are not heading home (by which we mean “Jem and the Holograms”) for the holidays. Instead, we’re taking you to Eternia (and Etheria) for a Christmas special inlcuding everyone’s favourite fabulous, hella gay bondage twins: He-Man and She-Ra.

Yes, the eyebrows-on-too-much-fleek royal children of Eternia do celebrate Christmas, at least, they do after this holiday train wreck of a special is over. Yes, the 80s gifted us yet another messy Christmas special. At least Skeletor is in the mix to keep things watch-able.

So strap on your Christmas harness (just like He-Man!) and bust out the Manchine-nog (we won’t even bother explaining that one) for a Christmas romp you didn’t know you didn’t need!

Episode 61: Midsummer Night's Madnes

Kali Spera, malakas (that’s greek for jerk offs btw, sorry not sorry)! Welcome back to Jem Girls, the podcast where we have historically expounded upon the ancient mythology of great gods and goddesses such as Lady Christy Marx, the Lord of eyeballs, Sandy “Yes I will have some sand in my fries” Fries, and the souls of orphans past. Our inner saboteurs are taking a sabbatical this week as we step away from the mediocre mess that is Canada’s drag race and take a step towards the mediocre mess that is Jem and the Holograms.

This week, we are talking about season 3 episode 6 “Midsummer Night’s Madness,” where Jem and the Holograms and the Stingers travel to Greece to perform in the Mythology Festival, and Jem/Jerrica’s identity issues become more pronounced than ever when she creates yet another persona, Jamie. If the Jem/Jerrica/Rio love triangle wasn’t enough fuckery for you, then you will be delighted to discover the Jem/Jerrica/Jamie/Rio love…square? Yeah, I don’t even know. We have newcomer to the Jemisphere (and latest inductee to the Lord of Eyeballs’ Round Table), Evelyn Gabai-bitch, to thank for this mess.

Watch Party: Canada's Drag Race Season 2 Episode 8: “Prom” (and kind of Episode 7 “ The Roast of Brooke Lynn Hytes”)

Let’s do the time warp! Again! Back to high school!

Oh, wait, please god no, no, anything but that!

While, yes, the idea of heading back to the hellscape that is high school is truly a horrific notion, we wouldn’t put anyone through that kind of torture (even our girl Jerrica Benton) and, instead, we’re going to “time travel” just like any unaccomplished stage parent: by living vicariously through children!

In this week’s episode of Canada’s Drag Race, the queens need to make over a queer teen (best kind) for a special mom-and-drag-daughter prom moment.

Plus, because we missed a week, a little bit of sass on the previous episode, “The Roast of Brooke Lynn Hytes,” where we got Amanda Brugel’s iconic “that was weird as sh*t” line that oh so accurately described the final lip synch.

Watch Party: Canada's Drag Race Season 2 Episode 6 "The Sinner's Ball"

Hallelujah and welcome to Jem Girls, the podcast of biblical proportions devoted to the Church of Jizzus Christ and the Latter Day Taints, where we watch 80s cartoons and worship the Lord of Eyeballs, among other things. This week, we are taking a break from our god-fearing ways to embrace the Devil himself while watching the latest instalment of Canada’s Drag Race.

Today we are sashaying our way straight into the pits of hell in Season 2 Episode 6 of Canada’s Drag Race “The Sinner’s Ball.” According to CraveTV, in this episode, “the queens are challenged to showcase three runway looks at the Sinner’s Ball. ” Will their looks have us fall on our knees before the Lord? Or will these Beelze-babes be the very definition of Lucifierce?

Hakuna and Orifice spend a long ass time discussing this and much more. So tune in and leave us 5 stars and a positive review (or else we’ll devour the souls of your unborn children).

Watch Party: Canada's Drag Race Season 2 Episode 5

Well, eat my ass and call me daddy! It’s your favourite kissing cousins, the Jem Girls, back after a week-long deep throating extravaganza in the deep south to bring you our much-unneeded commentary on the latest instalment of Canada’s Drag Race.

This week, we are talking about Canada’s Drag Race season 2 episode 5 “Bye Flop,” in which the queens write, record and perform an original pop-country break up bop (Crave TV’s words, not ours). Will the girls put the CUNT in “country”? Will they be hot-to-trot thots? Or will they put the “GIRL, BYE” in “bayou”? 

We will cover that, and so much more, in this week’s review! So put on your finest cowboy boots, sit that fine ass in the saddle, and get ready to ride this pony HARD, HENNY.

Watch Party: Canada’s Drag Race Season 2, Episode 4 “Snatch Game”

Y’all ready to get snatched!?

Of course you are, you listen to this podcast, where one of the requirements is an extreme affinity for snatchification.

That nonsense aside, this week on Jem Girls Watch Party we are spilling all the tea on the most iconic of all Drag Race challenges, the one and only Snatch Game.

Can the queens of Canada’s Drag Race Season Two bring the funny with celebrity impersonations? Or will they crash and burn in a comedic train wreck?

A little bit of both, actually!

Watch Party: Canada’s Drag Race S2E3

The Watch Party Continues!! Albeit kind of late… because, yes, we are very aware we’re releasing the Jem Girls review of Canada’s Drag Race Season 2, Episode 3, entitled “Screech” super late. Like, so late the next episode is nearly out.

But, as we often say, what even is time? Oh, right, it’s an eyeball.

Regardless of time’s ocular shape, this episode takes a real turn. We like Eve 6000 now? Jimbo is back? Adriana is a real competitor?

Who knew!

Find out why we pulled a 180 on several many things in this week’s Drag Race episode!

Episode 60: "Homeland, Heartland"

Get ready and buckle up, because dance is heading to Zagreb! No, wait, sorry, not “dance,” as in the practice of moving one’s body to music (they probably have that up out in Croatia already), we mean “Danse,” the person with a parasitic blob for hair who really can’t dance despite their name.

Why is Danse, accompanied by the whole Jem and the Hologram crew, heading to the former Yugoslavia? To find her mother or something. Who cares. What we’re really here for is the problematic portrayal of a foreign culture that Jem usually brings and, boy howdy, does this episode deliver!

You got frame ups. You got societal corruption. You got evil dance directors who wield more power than “lowly” doctors. Yes, this episode has everything you didn’t ask for and far more, basically making it American propaganda. Which is pretty much what Jem is anyway, so enjoy!

Watch Party: Canada’s Drag Race S2E2

We are back at it, hennie! Yes, that’s right, the dynamic duo of totally-unqualified-hosts are back and bringing your earholes even more harsh critiques of Canada’s Drag Race Season 2. Yay?

Yes, definitely a cause for yay, because the second episode of CDR has some major highs and some very low lows as the queens take on the “Rusical” challenge. Be warned: there is a strong clown presence in this episode which, when paired with the inane banter of the Jem Girls has been known to blow some people’s minds.

Episode 59: "Beauty and the Rock Promoter"

In the two and half seasons of Jem that we’ve covered thus far, we’ve seen A LOT of shit. You’ve got your orphan slavery, your Lord of Eyeballs, your jazzercise ghost mother slash super computer...the list goes on.

In this week’s episode Beauty and the Rock Promoter, newbie to the Jemisphere Claire Noto (AKA Claire “Not yo business” Noto) ups the ante with beastiality and more slavery in a 1980s rock opera reboot of the beloved movie-musical Beauty and the Beast. 

Other highlights of this episode are the Japanese and British stereotypes (this show REALLY loves those), a very DISAPPOINTING techno artist (there was no thumping bass, no untz untz untz), and a guy with the name Zero Jones (AKA Orifice’s original ancestor). 

Tune in for a wild time and our nonsense commentary. And don’t forget to rate us five stars babes!

Watch Party: Canada’s Drag Race S2E1

Welcome to Jem Girls Watch Party! It’s something new we’re trying out where we take our biting commentary on classic 80s cartoon to the wider world of modern media. And what better place to start than with the Olympics of northern drag, that being season two of Canada’s Drag Race!

Disclaimer: We are zero percent experts on drag but, hey, we’re not experts on poorly-made animation either, so whatever.

Catch us each and every week diving into what the queens have to offer. Who will survive week one? Who will be the Porkchop of season two? Only one way to find out, ladies!

Episode 58: “Video Wars”

In this week’s episode, Kathy Bates’ little brother and part-time co-writer of the gay porn series RoboCop: Alpha Commando, Cary Bates, joins forces with wise guy Greg Weisman to slap together a delightful mess of an episode (a messpisode? Yep, that zero percent works) called “Video Wars.”

The Stingers, desperately needing a vacay from planet Earth after being subjected to Jerrica’s orphan army, plucked the strings of their giant harp and were summarily beamed back up to the evil universe whence they came (i.e. Germany), and the Misfits (and Clash ew) are back back back again to cause problems for the Holograms.

Video is trying to video a video for Jem and the Holograms, and Clash, a master of disguise, puts on the skinsuit of some bish named Sara, who tricks the Holograms into filming them in their most unflattering moments.

Eventually, like all episodes of this show, good prevails over evil (boring) and the Misfits are defeated yet again.

Either way, get aroused listening to the sexy voices of Hakuna Matitties, Orifice Jones, and special guest Auntie Histamine, by streaming our podcast now!

Episode 57: "The Stinger Hit Town, Part 2"

After Eric sold everything he owned to move into a crack house on skid row and hedge his bets claiming full ownership of Misfits music, he and Jerrica duke it out to convince the Stingers to join their respective record labels. 

The Stingers, who are at the same time creepy as fuck and hot ass bitches, play both sides, fuck with Pizzazz’s emotions, make fun of orphans and their dreams, and perform demonic rituals. Riot is also a mega perv and drives Jem to a giant harp on some remote cliff, where he tries to cop a feel and tries to manipulate her into being with him. Essentially, he says he will join her record label if Jem gives himself over to him, which is all shades of nasty. 

Rio is there to be the worst and confuse even more people with his and Jerrica/Jem’s messy ass relationship. And Jem...spends most of the episode being stuck between these two guys because she is a codependent mess. 

In the end, Jerrica’s orphan army traumatizes the Stingers, who end up deciding to sign with Eric (who foolishly gave them 50% of his company). Jem and Rio are back together in a match made in hell, and their “love” lives to torment us another day!

In the Jemverse, that is what we call a happy ending :)

Episode 56: “The Stingers Hit Town” (Part 1)

We’re here, we’re queer and we’re in Season 3 of Jem and the Holograms!

You know who else is here for the next/last batch of episodes and is also hella queer? The Stingers, everyone’s favourite Germanic pointer-sisters-dark-magic-throuple!

Adding a fresh dash of jazz to the show’s lineup is Riot, who may or may not (but probably does) have pheromone powers. Minx, the, uh, sexually charged “minx” of the group. And, last but never least, the powerful witch/con artist Rapture.

Truly, this is a trio that is so ridiculous we barely even have to make up random stuff to make them more interesting. I mean, we do (they’re aliens!) because that’s what the Jem Girls is all about.

So strap yourself in and let’s go down the zany road that is Season 3!

Episode 55: "Hollywood Jem, Part 2: And the Winner Is..."

Well, we’ve made it folks! The end of the second season of Jem and the Holograms is here. It has been a truly wild ride filled with twists, turns, flashbacks and flashes forward, orphan-soul-harvesting, absentee fathers sticking their dicks into holographic computers, and so much more! 

In this week’s season finale episode, we are treated to yet another dose of fuckery as Kimber walks down the aisle as a child bride. We learn that her main motivation for getting hitched is to escape Jerrica’s oppressive yoke so that she can be subjected to the whims of an impulsive and unhinged man she barely knows!

If this show is good at anything, it is portraying suuuper dramatic romantic entanglements that often lead to love triangles, covert gay sex, and unadulterated violence for the benefit of the youth. Here at Jem Girls podcast, we endorse exposing children to all the messiness life has to offer from a very early age. Clearly, Christy Marx shares this worldview with us!

Episode 54: “Hollywood Jem, Part 1: For Your Consideration”

Oh, the glitz and glam of Hollywood, a perfect fit for any sophisticated, fun and smart young woman. In other words: the antithesis of Jem/Jerrica Benton.

Somehow, though, Jem secured an Oscar nomination (remember when she did that movie? Way back in season one? Yeah, those sowed seeds are getting harvested) which, even in the Jemisphere, is a major shock.

Not that this two-parter is really about Jem and the Hologram’s adventures in Hollywood. No, the plot takes a darker turn towards the realm of child bridery, as Kimber (who is, again, legally a child) starts accepting marriage proposals from anyone standing in front of her. For real.

Will Kimber be married off to secretly-55-year-old Sean Harrison? Or will it be unhinged stuntman Jeff whatever-his-last-name-is? Or will Jerrica just lock Kimber up in a dungeon like she usually does?

Only one way to find out!

Episode 53: "Out of the Past"

On our podcast, we frequently discuss the concept of time and how we really don’t understand it (and as a couple of former little girls who are turning into a pair of grizzled old hags, time is also our forever enemy). In this week’s episode fittingly called “Out of the Past,” we flashback-back-back it up to the past and then flashback to the future so many times, we got whiplash (whiplash-back?) 

For reasons, Jerrica and the Holograms uncover Emett Benton’s (Jerrica and Kimber’s creepy ass dad, for those of you who can’t remember) old treasure chest full of family pictures, his journal, and other doodads from the past. They learn about their hot bitch of a mother, Jacqui Benton who, aside from being a hot mom in an assortment of halter tops, was also apparently a singer-songwriter. 

More importantly, though, we learn of how there was some other random orphan girl way back in the day who Kimber probably swallowed whole out of spite. We also learn more of the origin story of how Synergy came to be. Long story short: Jacqui Benton dies, Emett abandons his daughters and his livelihood to create a holographic sexbot demon in a jazzercise outfit using the soul of his dead wife. He probably stuck his floppy disk in her from time to time, and spewing his load into this sentient machine was the only thing keeping him alive.

Why Mr. Benton felt it was necessary to create Synergy is still largely a mystery, though experts (aka Drs. Orifice Jones and Hakuna Matitties) have posited that he was in cahoots with the Lord of Eyeballs, or perhaps other nefarious beings from the underworld. His final plans for Synergy have not yet been revealed to us, but it is possible that the little orphan Starlight girls are actually farmed as an important energy source for Synergy. 

Only time will tell what will become of Synergy and the Holograms. But Eye remain resolute in my faith that the Lord (of Eyeballs) has something to do with it! 

Gotta keep them eyes peeled, people!

Episode 52: “Britrock”

‘Ello guv’na! We’come to merry ol’ England, where’a the lo’ class lowlies tawk a’ike dis and e’ry one else, lo’ an’ behold is’a noble lawrd! Ain’t dat a piss in the pants?

Sorry, excuse us, the ghosts of Cockney accents past are still inhabiting our speaking eyes (what doctors today may call the “vocal chords”) after watching this episode of Jem and the Holgrams which is, once again, set in Britain and (you guessed it) deals with some British title nonsense.

Then there’s the shadow plot of Ulysses the fox overcoming the chaos of crazy b*tches, plus a surprise appearance by everyone’s favourite escaped-and-dangerous mental patient, Craig Phillips. Fun for the whole family!

Episode 51: "Journey through Time"

What is time? This is the question that has plagued humanity since we first walked this earth. Is time linear? Is it a wheel? Is it a rubber band? Is it a cyclone? Is it a myth? Can we only move forward through time, or can we go back? 

Cher (whose corporeality itself defies the laws of time) once elegantly put into words the supposition all of us have had at least once in our lives when she yodeled “If I could turn back time, if I could find a way.” What would you do if you could turn back time? I would probably erase all those times I pissed beside dumpsters after getting really drunk. 

In this week’s episode of Jem entitled “Journey through Time,” Techrat somehow creates a time machine and decides that he, with the help of Eric Raymond and the Misfits, is gonna turn back time solely to fuck with Jem and the Holograms, in order to prevent them from performing at the World History of Music Concert (not a thing, and who gives a fuck?)

This seems like a waste of time traveling power, you are probably thinking to yourself. And you would be right. There is also a snag in the laws of time travel that govern Techrat’s time machine: you send one, and you get back one. So, if you send one bish from the present to 1781 Vienna,  then another ho from 1781 Vienna must come to the present. 

Regardless of whether or not you buy this whole intertemporal switchamaroo nonsense, I think we can all appreciate the moment when a bunch of hippies appear in the present and Pizzazz yells “HIPPIES? I HATE HIPPIES!”

Episode 50: "Journey to Shangri-La

Ahhh Nepal - the land where super jacked humanoid yetis give succour to glam rock girl groups as they foolishly trek across the Himalayas in pursuit of a magical land called Shangri-La, which actually doesn’t even exist but was invented by some white dude who probably took too much DMT. 

Oh, you mean that is not what Nepal is all about? Sorry, I just get my edumacation on world affairs from white people who didn’t get down with Encyclopedia Brown (who, for those of you who don’t know, is a sexy encyclopedia who turns tricks on the mean streets of a gritty, god-forsaken urban hellscape). 

Seriously though, this episode of Jem, entitled “Journey to Shangri-La”, was essentially a doubling down on stereotypical Western depictions of Asia as a mystical, transcendental place populated by Yoda-types who only exist to guide white people on their spiritual journeys. Shangri-La, like much of the world, is a place for white folks to take take take and give nothing in return. This is clearly how the characters in this episode act, anyway. 

Despite the obvious problems that abound in this episode, we still had a good time talking mad shit about it. Although, we really could have done without the yeti-Jem storyline, which certainly inspired generations of furries to come. We would very much like to forgeti that yeti.